So I have been participating in the 101 in 1001 project for a while now and it crossed my mind that I didn’t mark down exactly when I started, so therefore I didn’t know when my deadline was. Fortunately on the 101 site is a listing of everyone who has registered. I scrolled down and there I was, October 1, 1006. Which gives me less than a year until my due date of June 28, 2009 to finish my list.

I have been thinking about this list a lot lately. Why it’s been on my mind so much, I don’t really know. Perhaps it’s the onset of my birthday and now I see 40 looming large on the horizon. Or perhaps it’s this prevalent feeling of being a bit lost these days. Then again, it could just be that I am a deadline and results oriented person and I know I’ve still got much to do.

When I first wrote out the list, I just sort of threw things together. As the months and years progressed, some of the things weren’t really feasible and still others I could not do, for different reasons. I crossed them off the list but never really replaced them.

This morning, I reviewed the list and it has renewed my interest in truly completing the project. So, anything that’s been crossed off is going to receive a replacement in the next few days. My own list is a separate page, located in the top menu bar above, or you can view it here. And below is a recap of the things I have accomplished from the list with some comments. Comments are open for your thoughts and input where I’ve asked for some ideas:

1. Eat three fruits I’ve never had before (red grapes, papaya, apricot, pineapple, tangerines, orange)
   I’ve totally expanded my fruit portfolio, totally in thanks to this endeavor.
2. Eat three vegetables I’ve never had before (garbanzo beans, pumpkin, sweet potato)
   I’ve also tried several different beans, eaten a lettuce leaf or two (blech), and bell peppers. The garbanzo beans were great and I eat them all the time now. I tried pumpkin in a pie at the Flamingo in Las Vegas on Thanksgiving and made such a disgusted face that even people nearby (who knew I was trying it for the first time) laughed themselves stupid. Sweet potatoes? Well, not bad but too…sweet.
3. Find a therapist
   I found one. And lost him shortly after, thankfully.
4. Get eye exam and new glasses
   Did this a couple of years ago and am doing it again on Friday. Ugh, now comes the hell of selecting frames. Comments welcome here - I hate my current frames but have no idea what style will look good.
5. Go completely and utterly caffeine-free for one full week, no cheating or loopholes (May 29 - June 10)
   Actually if I recall correctly, I have done this more than once. I really sort of like it.
6. Have a complete physical and full lab work.
   Check
7. Hire a trainer for a few sessions, begin a training program three times a week.
   Ahh, the X Project. One of the best goals I’ve ever set for myself.
8. Join a gym (10/1/06 - Joined, closed membership 7 months later)
   Joined another gym and still belong, through the end of next month. 
9. Keep my finger and toenails intact and polished for at least 2 months without biting or picking them.
   I think I kept my nails intact for at least 5 months. Good thing I didn’t include cuticles in the biting/picking.
10. Maintain at least a 190 pound weight loss and reward this maintenance every six months (so far so good)
    And this continues though I very frequently dance along that 140 line, which I hate.
11. Not step on a scale for 30 days
    Ooooo weee, did I do good on this. I gave it up for Lent and then continued. I think I lasted 3 months.
12. Register as an organ donor
    I can’t imagine anybody wanting them, but they are up for grabs.
13. Ask someone on a date
    I’ve done this a couple of times, with varying degrees of success.
14. Confess a Crush to the Crushee
    Yeah, this one didn’t work out so well but I did it
15. Make amends: With someone who did me wrong; To someone I did wrong.  Resolve the issue, make peace, and let it go.
    I think I will keep the details to myself on these. I’ve actually done it several times over in different realms of my life. 
16. Attend a non-Catholic religious service
    I went to a Christmas Eve service at an Episcopal church a couple of years ago.
17. Get a library card
    Change this goal to “Pay my overdue library book fees” now.
18. Protest something (in addition to my continuing boycott of Costco)
    Walking past Westlake one day, I joined in some protest for human rights.
19. Set up wireless network
    I think it took me a year but I did it.
20. Write and publish one article
    More than one, but not using my real name. And no, they weren’t Penthouse Forum submissions.
21. Go to Las Vegas
    Wheee!
22. Spend one holiday somewhere outside of my home state(s), meaning not in Seattle or Michigan
    I spent Thanksgiving last year in LasVegas with a beloved friend.
23. Buy and wear something that scares the everliving hell out of me with total confidence.
    I’ve done this several times now. But the one that I count towards this goal was in Vegas at Thanksgiving. I wore a long tunic-style v-neck cashmere & silk sweater over leggings with boots. Then I decided “what the hell” and took off the leggings and belted the sweater and wore it as a very short dress with knee-high stiletto boots. It was fabulous.
24. Get a Brazilian
    Never again…owww. Seriously. Never. Ever. Again.
25. Get my Big Bend photograph professionally matted and framed
    I did this but don’t like what they did with it. It’s now in a crappy frame but remains professionally matted.
26. Buy a complete carry-out lunch/dinner and give it to a homeless person.
    I’ve done this several times. On Christmas, I bought bread, cold cuts, cheeses, snack packs of chips and cookies and juice boxes, etc. I made about 25 sandwiches and packed things up in lunch bags, loaded them into my backpack and took a walk through Belltown and down to Pioneer Square. Anybody who was sleeping on the street or asked me for money got one.
    Remember when I asked for financial help earlier this year and so many of you responded so generously? Well one person sent me a grocery store gift card for something like $50 or $60. On Easter, I used that gift card to purchase a similar set of items and wound up with 40 lunch bags that I used in my rounds. Even though things were so rough for me, I knew I was better off and so I decided to use that donation to help make a holiday a bit nicer for those who didn’t have so many wonderful people helping them.
27. Compliment a complete stranger, genuinely, once a month
    I do this more than once a month - I love paying unsolicited compliments to strangers. It’s so great to see the pleased smile on their faces.
28. Pay for the person’s coffee standing in line behind me
    I did this a few times. Then I stopped because it was turning into this strange “cool” thing to do and I wanted to be unique.
29. Attend my 20th high school reunion
    Another amazing moment in my life.
30. Get the kisses I’ve never had: Under mistletoe, Midnight New Year’s Eve, in the rain, by candlelight, The “movie kiss” complete with a backwards dip somewhere like a mall, public fountain, or museum steps, The unexpected and totally spontaneous kiss
    I’ve only gotten the Rain and Candlelight ones. Trying to think if I’ve gotten a totally unexpected one but not that I recall.
31. Get window treatments for my apartment
    Dear Bed, Bath, and Beyond - thank you for having the insulated thermal blackout curtains on sale 2 weeks before it was 100 degrees.
32. Go for 24 hours without speaking
    I went almost 2 full days.
33. Have completely spontaneous sex outside, join the mile high club, or in another risqué location
    OK, so I was kind of a wild child with a former lover. I’ve yet to join the mile high club and don’t really care if I do. But the outside and risque locations…done. Grin…more than once.
34. Let someone touch my face without flinching, pulling away, or lowering my head
    I did this twice with the same man. There’s someone else I want very much to share that trust with but I don’t think we will be together in a situation where this will happen again.
35. Move into a new professional role
    Done a couple of these.
36. Organize my closet and drawers
    10/10/06 - it stayed organized for a week. Never happened again.
37. Say, “I trust you” to someone and mean it completely and wholly in every way
    I did at the time, I don’t now; see #34…there is someone with whom I feel this could happen again but I don’t believe we’re in a place in our relationship for this to happen and don’t think we will.
38. Spend an entire day in bed…innocently (no wallowing). Books, blankets, cuddly jammies, grilled cheese & tomato soup, fruit & cheese.
    Done but without the bread and cheese
39. Stay out all night and watch the sunrise
    I’ve done this in Seattle and in Vegas…and want to do it again. Soon. 
40. Two words: multiple orgasm
    Two words: Yippee Skippee. Two more words: Thank you.

So what’s next? I will go through the list and review the ones I’ve scrapped (I think there are 12 total) and the ones that I either don’t want to do or don’t see happening and replace them. There are things in my mind that I really want to happen and feel need to go on this list that are far more important than crap like sending Christmas cards.

We had an all-hands meeting at work today where the head honcho from our corporate office announced a pretty major restructuring of our business unit. It doesn’t really have any impact on me directly, at least not that I know of, and it wasn’t the type of reorg that will result in layoffs (at least not that I know of). But it was an interesting presentation and lead-in to the announcement. It was the first time that I’d ever heard our honcho speak and I truly enjoyed listening to him.

As he geared up to announce the new leadership, he said something really thought-provoking. I wish I’d written it down so I could relay it verbatim. But he said that when he was selecting the people to lead the organization, he chose them based on their strengths and greatness, not on the absence of weakness.

Wow. I really like that.

It reminds me of one of the members of management with whom I worked peripherally at Mettler. During my last month or two there, we had several heart-to-heart discussions about people, conflict, resolution, and competition. He said something that remains a theme in my life and words that I do try to keep close to my heart. He said that someone else doesn’t have to lose in order for a person to win.

I like that too.

They share common concepts in my mind. It’s about achieving, indeed winning, based upon you. On who you are, what you have done, and what you have the potential to become structured solely on your own character and merits. Not compared to others, not even compared to what you cannot do. It’s about what you alone can do. Shining above others shows leadership and victory but only when these things happen because of you. Do you truly win when you defeat someone else? Sometimes. When someone beats you, is it still possible for you to have won? Yeah.

And most importantly, when you beat someone else, have you won?

No. When you compete, you compete to achieve the goal first, fastest, best. A true winner wins because of the accomplishment in and of itself, not because someone else did not win.

It’s a difficult concept to grasp. So many of us, myself included for a very long time, only measured our success against the success of others. Even in weight loss. How many of us tracked our progress and instead of viewing our progress, our success, based on our own percentages against our own bodies but by looking at someone else and comparing how well we did to how well she did?

You’ve done it. I know you have. God knows I did it. I would look for people who had starting BMIs and similar body types to my own and I would compete with them. I found victory or defeat in measuring myself against them, not myself. And I know a shitload of yall have competed against me without ever informing me that I was in the contest. You looked at my progress and compared it to yours and decided whether or not you were a success. I know because many people have written to me over the years and told me they used me as a benchmark.

It certainly applies to the workplace. When you get a promotion, do you get the promotion or does someone else notget it? Or the reverse? Do you do a good or great job because you worked hard or because you showed someone else’s shortcomings and flaws? Are you good or do you just look good because you made another look bad?

Think about a time when someone brought you down to build himself up. How did that make you feel? In addition to annoyed. Embarrassed. Sad.

Used?

The next time you’re in a competitive situation, look at your competitor and then discard him. Don’t compete against a person. See only the goal, not the others who are also working towards that goal. And when you reach it, you will feel different because the other people didn’t contribute nor detract…you achieved the goal on your own merit.

On your strengths, not on your lack of weakness.

And nobody else had to lose in order for you to win.

What amazing concepts.

How do I know it was the best workout ever? Because I can barely move today, I’m so stiff and sore. One of the many things I’ve learned at the X Gym is the difference between Good pain and Bad pain. This is most definitely Good pain and I both embrace and love it. My muscles are aching and screaming, which tells me that I worked the hell out of them and this is Good. Bad pain is when you’re able to tell that something is injured and this just isn’t the case.

After my Blah workout on Tuesday, I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment and fast. I was so stressed from work that I couldn’t think straight all week. Panicked over deadlines, my first original deliverables with the company and worry that they would suck. They might but I don’t think so. I worked so hard to really get my stuff in order and while I was working long hours paying attention to likely unnecessary detail, I left the office late Friday night feeling that I’d done well.

I awoke Saturday morning feeling drained and exhausted, not to mention hot because we were in the middle of a heat wave. But I kept reminding myself just how great I usually feel after a session and hauled myself out of bed.

The sun blazing down even at 10 in the morning, I started walking to the gym. Then this strange thing happened - for no apparent reason, I started to jog. Don’t ask me where this desire or energy came from, I just did it. It was beautiful…effortless. As I jogged past people on the sidewalk, some looked up at me but most ignored me and that was great too because I was nothing more than a Normal, Healthy Woman on a morning jog and I was regarded as such. Nobody gave me a funky look wondering who I thought I was kidding, or anything else. And I just kept jogging, not only because I could but because my body wanted it. I had this need to stretch my legs and move…I don’t recall ever feeling that way before.

I got to the gym and to my absolute delight discovered I would be training with Sunshine today. I love her for a dozen reasons but this conversation is one of them:

“Hey MB! Are you better today? Lost the wonkies?”
“Much better today. But I need something from you.”
“OK…what’s up?”
(turning around and sticking my butt way out) “Do you see this?”
“What, the shorts?”
“Noooo, this” (pointing to butt cheek”
“Your skin? What am I looking at?”
“You’re looking at my ass, Sunshine. And I want you to kick the everliving hell out of it today. I want it worked like nobody’s business. Kick me, baby. Kick. My. ASS. Beat it. Please?”
(huge happy laughter) “You got it honey, let’s GO!”

I stood in the middle of the room literally jumping up and down, bouncing away. Almost all of my favorite trainers were there too, Smileyhead, Cuddles, Sunshine…it was great. I announced to them all that I adored them more than carbs and that I ran here effortlessly. They all grinned.

Sunshine grabs my card and away we went. Again, for the record, we love her.

We start with the wall squats. She hands me 2 20-pound hand weights (I asked for more weight but she said no - didn’t believe I was ready, hrmph) and adjusts the pill behind my back. The reps are different now, no longer ratcheting but down 2 inches, hold a split second, then up an inch. 7 times down 2 up 1. I pushed myself, dipping as low as I could go, ignoring my knee protests and getting down so low my ass was bumping the bench. After the reps, halfway down and hold. Down to the bottom and hold. Then pulse (little bounces). Back to the middle. Hold. Pulse. Middle to top and back fast. Middle to bottom and back fast. I do all this with a light sweat and continue a complete conversation, it wasn’t easy but not hard. Soon we’re done and when Sunshine commented on how well I did, I said, “See? Marybeth’s ready for more weight, baybee, uh huh uh huh.” She agreed then rolled her eyes at me.

Next, she takes me to the mat for chest flys. These are more difficult. I lay on my back with 10 (15?) pound hand weights, start with my elbows on the ground then all the way up and on the way down do the same down 2 up 1, breaking the trip down into 7 sections. 7 or 10 reps and then middle, hold, up, hold, pulsing, up and down fast. I’m grunting and not on purpose, working as hard as I can. My left arm starts to falter as usual and I focus on keeping a solid form. Sunshine is one of the trainers who won’t count a rep unless the form is there.

She always tells me when it’s the last set and I love that because I can find that last burst to push to the end. It makes a difference. I finish my set and jump up, still bouncing around and laughing because my left arm is now dangling uselessly , nothing more than a noodle at this point.

Still bouncing and dancing, we make our way to the Lifecycle for leg press. I hate this machine. Not because it’s hard but because it’s a piece of crap and nobody seems to be able to program it right and make it do what it’s supposed to. Sunshine laughs at my dancing and I ask if she’d rather I be in tears and dejected like Tuesday which gets a ”hell no, I love it when you’re this excited”. I strap in and start to lift but the machine won’t let me. It stops in the middle and almost snaps my leg because I’m trying to pump and don’t realize it’s stopped completely. I bitch that it’s breaking my groove and we laugh.

She comes up with a quickie substitute and informs me I’m going to work my hamstrings. Now while I know hamstrings are somewhere below my waist, I have no clue as to their exact location. Well, I do now. Back on the mat, my heels in a pill and rolling it all the way to my butt, toes pointed up. Sounds easy. Sounds effortless. Hurts a tad.

The lateral row. Back on the floor (note to trainers - I really like the cushiony seats). Ow. Then abs.

I left so bouncy and happy and full of energy it was ridiculous. Impromptu, I got my hair cut. New stylist, I’ve been annoyed with my old one. Love her. Not sure about the cut just yet - it’s a little more Katie Holmes than I’d wanted. Then, after staring at the cracked skin on my toes surrounding the ingrown nails on my big toes that are always prevalent since I starting working out, I splurged on a pedicure. Went to the movies and ate popcorn. Was in bed early and slept like a rock.

It’s all good.

I gave my notice at the gym today. I’ll be done at the end of September. I actually cried when I told the owner.

I totally want to stay, so much. It’s one of the few highlights in my life these days. But it’s expensive and until I can reduce expenses, it’s just no longer feasible as I have other things for which I must save my pennies.

So this new card is my last. I’m not terribly impressed by my new routine. I am continuing with the wall-based squats, holding 20 pound weights in each hand (ready for more weights, btw). After that, I do chest presses which has me laying on my back with 10 (15?) pound dumbbells lifting into the air. Then it’s a leg press/curl, wholly unimpressive, on a new machine that nobody seems to be able to figure out yet. Next, I do chest flys where I’m seated on the floor reaching for pulleys (40 pound? Not sure) and pull straight back. Then I do these wall lunges with my feet on this sliding foothold which forces me to work to keep my legs together and then while grabbing a railing, I squat as low as I can go. First time, I was wearing a 40 pound weight vest. Last night I didn’t, not sure why. Finally we continue to run a gamut of ab exercises.

I’m going to ask to have my workout amped up. I want to get the most out of these last 6 weeks as possible and want my ass kicked.

I am so damn sad. I don’t want to leave there. That said, last night was the first night that I left without feeling good…or even better. I am very worried about many things, many decisions to make.

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to blog, will you take a look?
It’s based on my story, of my life so dear
And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer. Paperback writer.

It’s a life-fat story of a thin woman
And her aging mother doesn’t understand
Her brother’s lost in his constant ale
Neither of them think I could be a paperback writer. Paperback writer.

It’s a thousand pages, give or take a few
I’ll be blogging more in an hour or two
I can make it shorter if you like the style
Can change it all around, I think I want to be a paperback writer. Paperback writer.

If you really like it, help me sell the rights?
Give me an agent’s name, I’ll send it overnight
Yall have been reading this story for many a year
Help me do it now, I want to be a paperback writer. Paperback writer.

Yeah kids, that’s right. I think I’m going to do it. “Think” is the operative word. I have a couple of concepts in mind, one even has a fairly decent outline. It’s a long process and to do it, I need help. Maybe yours. For now, what I need are contacts. Do you know of an agent? Know someone who has sold a book who might be able to mentor me? Contacts in a periodical?

My path is starting to show itself to me, now that I’ve had two beloveds grab me by the back of the head and forced my eyes to raise to the mirror and see. It’s scary. It’s radical. It’s daunting. I cannot do it alone. You guys have been with me a long time and now I turn to you for help. For contacts, for topic ideas…because the one thing I know this book is not going to focus on is weight loss surgery. That’s not the story, that’s simply an element and it took me forever to realize that perhaps there’s more to my life, my writing, indeed myself, than losing weight. All of the times that someone suggested I write a book, I always turned it down because I thought that a book about WLS wouldn’t sell and it never crossed my mind that I had the ability to write around the WLS and include it but not focus on it.

Can I? I don’t know. The comments are open. I want your opinions on this. Suggestions. If you do have contacts or know of people who could help me, please do not leave their name in the comments but email me directly through webgirlie(at)gmailREMOVETHISPART dotcom.

Seriously. What do you think? Can I be a paperback writer?

I once had a very intense moment with a lover that has never left my memory. We were standing in front of a mirror facing forward. I couldn’t look at the reflection, I was too afraid to look at us, to look at myself, so I kept my head down and averted my eyes. My lover took my head and raised it until I was looking straight into the mirror. I closed my eyes. He leaned forward and into my ear, he told me to open my eyes and see.

It was a very frightening thing for me, but I did. I looked into the mirror and straight into his eyes. And suddenly, all of my fear drained from my body. I let him see me and felt his eyes tear right through me and see my entire being, and still I felt no fear.

Of all the amazing, sensual, and beautiful moments we shared, that always stands out in my mind. It was the first time in my life that I dropped all of my defenses and stood before another as well as myself and allowed myself to be completely seen. Until the day I die, I will never forget that moment when I raised my eyes to meet his and lost all fear.

I’ve been shaken to the core, called to the carpet…the mat…forced to look at myself more deeply than ever in my life. The moment in the mirror is nothing in comparison to the number of times that my bowed head has been yanked up, my closed eyes forced open to look at myself in the last week. Not just to look, but to see. And be seen. Oh my God, have I been seen. So clearly, so cleanly, so thoroughly that if I spend too much time trying to absorb it, I think I might freeze in terror.

Yet, now that it’s happened, I feel somewhat comforted. That moment in the mirror so long ago was very profound for many reasons and there’s no question that at the time, he knew me better than anybody ever before him. He knew much of my mind and my heart, along with the more obvious things.  And while he definitely broke through many barriers, he had never been part of all of the compartments of my life. This is how I operate - I keep my life broken into different compartments, into buckets so to speak. Everyone who enters my life has access to some of these compartments on a request and/or need-to-know basis.

Now granted, those compartments are a bit easier to navigate due to the openness of this site, where I’ve covered most facets of my life. Still, there are many things about me that have never, ever been discussed here and never will. I’m a more private person than many realize, believe me.

So has been my life. A constant, diligent self-protection, indeed a self-preservation. The thought of someone having gotten through the entire maze would put me into a paralyzing, apoplectic terror. If I thought anybody was even close to getting all the way in. But as more and more people wormed their way towards that precipice, my resolve waned. I began to take more chances, slowly started to understand that the world would not implode if it happened.

Last week, I realized that someone was all the way in and not only was I not upset, I gave into it wholly…even happily. I embraced it and made the decision to go all the way with it, trusting in a friend as I’d ever trusted another in my life. And I think it’s probably the best chance I’ve ever taken because I think it’s going to put me on the path to where I am supposed to be.

Then right on the heels of that came another. Even deeper into me because unlike my friend, this person knows me in all senses of the word. He’s literally seen my naked vulnerabilities and yet still remains in my life. He’s been a touchstone, a lover, a friend…someone with whom I can laugh and be myself…and at the same time one of the most frustrating, annoying pain the ass dicks I’ve ever know. But there’s a saying about the ones who know and love you the most are the ones with the power to hurt you the most, so this explains why there are times when I stand in front of him and have to decide whether to hug or bitch slap him, to sit and talk or turn a heel and walk away, etc.

He never ceases to surprise me and even the less wonderful surprises still somehow eventually turn into good ones. I don’t know how to describe him and what we are to each other. It’s not complicated, it’s just that we are an enigma together as much as we are enigmas in our own rights. And it’s even more difficult to try to explain this because I know he reads out here and he broke Marybeth’s Golden Blogging Rule which is that if you know me in the three-dimensional world, you’re not supposed to ever mention what is written here unless either I bring it up first or it’s immediately relevant. He broke that rule and now it’s a struggle for me to write without prejudice and even harder for me to write about him without using my knowledge that he reads this as a means of manipulation or subversive communication. Especially because I’m about to use some Scary words. My other friend reads too and I’m aware of it. But too bad, there’s nothing I can do because I can’t let this knowledge compromise my writing here, the goal of which is honesty, self-knowledge, and some snark.

These two people? My lifeline. And I love them both. More than anybody or anything. One of them has heard these words and seen it in my eyes when I’ve said it out loud. The other? Meh…he probably knows it but that’s a Scary Word to use, especially when it’s between a boy and a girl, and double especially when there’s been intimacy. But it’s true and I didn’t even realize it until he dropped a bomb in my lap the other day, a bomb I’m still not quite ready to completely absorb. But he made it abundantly clear that he knows me far more than I ever could have realized and while that should have dropped me to the ground, curled into a fetal position, or at least made me run screaming in the other direction, what I really want to do is crawl into his lap and nestle there for a while and revel in the knowledge that it’s finally happened. Knowing that he knows…just about all of it? Not scary, but still leaving me desperately unsettled.

So now there are two. Two people who have looked into my eyes, into my heart, into my soul. Seen it all. Who know my secrets and are unlocking the door to the rest of me and showing me what I’ve been too afraid to see in myself. Two people who have never met, probably never will (although I know they would adore each other to pieces), from completely different aspects of my life, and have come to the exact same conclusions about who I am…and where I need to go. Two people who have seen it all and still love me. OK, well I’m making an assumption on one of those people but I think so. In his own way. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure the first one has ever said it to my face or even my ear, but I know beyond a doubt that’s true. Him? I think so. Will he ever tell me? Doubtful. He should (yes, that’s directed to you but if you ever mention that I directed this at you, I’ll beat the crap out of your arm and you know I am not afraid to do it, besides you know I’ve gotme some arm muscle now). You (global you) should never…ever…allow the chance to tell someone what he or she means to you go unacknowledged. It’s a release for you and an amazing gift to give.

What’s my point here? I stared at my own eyes for hours this weekend. The eyes that these two people see with such clarity, such deep understanding. And my eyes look…different…somehow now. I don’t really see what they do, not in the same way. But for the first time ever, I see that there is more behind them than I ever gave myself credit for having.

Those are my eyes up there. Deep. Bright. Shining. Masking? Not so much as they used to. They look clearer to me now.

And so does my future. Because of them. Three friends, in some ways. They don’t know that they are friends but they are, through me. And through them, I have found a new understanding of love. In their own ways, they have both grabbed me by the back of my head and forced me to see.

Now, all I have to do is accept.

By the way, it took me five hours to write this.

As I wrote the other day, things just aren’t quite right with me. I think my path and that with which I struggle is clearing on its own as I work very hard to open my mind to the possibilities, but there are still other areas that just are difficult and I’m not sure I can work through them on my own in the timeframe necessary to resolve it. So, I decided to look into counseling services offered through the EAP, a service that many companies offer to their employees. For those of you not familiar with an EAP, you basically call a number and speak with some people who are not affiliated with the company itself and it’s confidential. They do an assessment (read: Determine just how nuts you are), then give you some referrals to “specialists”, and provide you with X number of counseling sessions free of charge. In many aspects, this is a great program and service.

In my case, it made me crazier.

I called last week and received some referrals. OK, not “some” - they sent me a list of about 60 names. No additional information about any of these counselors, just their names. Which meant spending hours googling these people trying to find out who they were. About half of them specialized in things like ADD and marital problems. OK, not me. A few that I did find weren’t accepting new patients. The one that I really thought would be a great match? No appointments for 3 weeks. So much for urgent crisis care.

I called the EAP back a second time. They gave me more names. I got agitated and asked how this was supposed to help me when all I had to go by was a name and address. Helpful Lady replied that they are all licensed and she was sure any could help me. So, I lowered my standards and decided just to call and see the first person with an available appointment.

18 phone calls and 2 crying bursts later, I finally find someone who will see me. The head of this particular center too, I’m told. I get my authorization and even sleep well that night, relieved that maybe I can sort through this, separate the pepper from the fly poo and get to the root cause. He owns the counseling center, surely he will be able to give me some solid direction, right? Of course!

I arrive 5 minutes early and am parked outside waiting for my savior to arrive. He finally does and unfolds his portly self out of a Prius. With difficulty. I get out of my own car and stand in front of the door anxiously. He looks up at me and then begins to pick up some scattered trash on the sidewalk and generally straightens up, not even greeting me even though it’s 8 in the morning, I’m standing in front of the center, and I’m clearly waiting for him. He walks right past me, opens the door, and closes it.

OK, he’s still half asleep. I give him a break and follow him in. There’s a coffee maker next to some cups and teas. On top of the coffee maker is a sign that reads “Broken - Do Not Use”. I watch my Harvard-educated PhD therapist-to-be lift up the sign, study it, set it down, and proceed to make coffee.

Within minutes, a loud grinding sound comes from the pot and I watch the coffee brewing and dripping…out of the bottom of the coffee maker and onto the hardwood floor. Dr. Observation says to me, “Do you see anything leaking?” I nod and point to the growing puddle of coffee on the floor. He says, “Oh. Hrm. Well they said it was broken but it didn’t look broken. I guess they were right.” and proceeds to remove the carafe and run it to the kitchen.

I watch the rest of the coffee brew and drip onto the floor. This is definitely a Bad Sign. How is a therapist supposed to read and interpret and guide me when he disregards a bold-lettered sign? Or one stupid enough to take a carafe from a still-brewing coffeemaker to try to stop a leak?

I fill out the No, I’m Not Going To Kill Myself Or Anybody Else questionnaire and write out why I’m there. He takes it and walks into his office. I assume I’m supposed to come along so I do and stand there waiting to be shown where to sit. Not forthcoming, I pick the leather couch. We begin to talk, I explain my worries at work, in life, feeling a bit lost and frustrated, and that I’m in need of help getting my head out of my butt and refocused. Following are some snippets from our session:

“Well if you’re struggling, have you considered quitting?”

I guess I could but I don’t want to. I want to make it right and do the great job I know I can. Running away isn’t going to solve anything. Besides, I want this challenge and I know I can do well. I like the company and I like the people.

“Maybe you should get some more exercise.”

I do strength training at a gym twice a week and I try to walk at least a mile a day.

“Maybe try aerobics? You could take a class.”

I belong to a gym.

“Do they have aerobics?”

I don’t want to do aerobics.

“Why don’t you join Curves? It’s all women so you won’t feel bad about yourself.” (SERIOUSLY - He said that)

But I already do that sort of thing. It’s twice a week. But I don’t really think I feel bad about myself to the point where I have to join a second “special” gym.

“You should go more than twice a week. Otherwise you won’t lose weight.”

Wait….you think I need to lose weight?

“Well, you said you were feeling bad about how you look.”

I suppose you should know that I’ve lost 200 pounds through weight loss surgery and have kept it all off. And I’ve had some very serious issues with bulimia in my recent past along with a lot of insecurities about my weight in general. This isn’t helping my esteem.

“Oh, then you know how to lose weight. I would think aerobics a few times a week would help. I also hear that Atkins is very effective. That might be good for you.”

Atkins?? So you’re saying I need to lose that much weight? That I’m overweight? Oh my God.

“I don’t know if you should lose a lot. How much do you weigh?”

137 pounds. I’ve put on a few which is a little hard to deal with but I think it’s muscle because I still fit into a size 2 or 4.

“Well Curves and aerobics would be good.”

sigh. So you think I should quit my job and take an aerobics class?’

“It might help your anxiety.”

OK, any suggestions about how to find my focus at work? How to stop worrying so much? How to get my mojo and confidence back? Because it’s really hard and I get so upset that when I go home at night I feel like a caged animal and I find myself slipping back into bad behaviours and habits.

“Well don’t do that. Bad habits aren’t good for you.”

Thanks.

“Try keeping a notebook. Every time you feel distracted or have a bad feeling, stop what you’re doing, write it down, and then let it go and get back to work. Then at the end of the day, spend time reading it all and you can worry about it all then, rather than worrying during the day. OK, time’s up. How about next Friday at 9?”

I kid you not. He told me to lose weight, join Curves, and write.

Some of the more interesting recent search strings that led people to my site:

• My hot neighbor
• Hotty McHotterson
• Fat chicks in stretch pants
• “hard my abs” + punch
• “weight is over”
• Weight is over marybeth
• leggings fat ass
• Stupid fat people
• Saturday night special sex toys
• Analyze why my neighbor is hot
• hot nabour
• umbilical hernia from golf swing
• Marybeth + Seattle + Bitch

Something’s not right. I don’t know what it is and it is getting worse, not better. I feel as if I’m hurtling at warp speed towards some sort of meltdown and I’m not sure why. It comes in waves and for the most part, I do feel as if I’m in control. But then something triggers and I am knocked almost to my knees by a wave of…

…I don’t know.

I am certainly frustrated by several aspects of my life these days. My job, indeed my career, leaves me feeling as if something is missing. It’s been a long time since I felt truly unfulfilled by my job. I continue to struggle at my new job but for different reasons. Yes, it’s a new and daunting technology but that is only one of the factors because I am learning it, albeit far slower than my expectations. I genuinely enjoy many of the people with whom I work and physically see on a daily basis; in fact, there isn’t anybody in my physical office I could say I don’t like. Actually, there isn’t anybody in my virtual office that I truly dislike either.

But, I don’t think they feel the same about me. I could be wrong, it happens a lot. And that’s part of the problem - I feel as if I’m wrong a lot there and that I am not only the weakest link but that my presence and membership on the team is a burden. I frequently feel like the terminally ill old aunt that the family spends time taking care of because they don’t have the ability to place her in a home (or because they know they can’t just leave her on a deserted road without her wheelchair because she might survive and then they’d have to go to jail). It’s a hard and hurtful thing to deal with. I can’t seem to bond on any level with those with whom I need to the most in order for us to be a team. Some of it is my fault, as unintentional and misunderstood as it was, but a lot of it is not. I don’t know how to work through it because since I don’t have a bond and don’t see these people in person, it’s impossible to gauge how to address it directly. It’s becoming a circle of death because the longer it goes on, the more confidence I lose which causes me to make mistakes which makes me look like an incompetent which solidifies any negative impressions which chills the working relationship more which upsets me and makes me come down harder on myself and the circle digs deeper. It feels like the only feedback I receive is information about what I’m doing wrong. So what’s the solution? If I say that in the most genuine and honest and respectful way, I’m terrified to the core that the response will be something like, “As soon as you do something well, you’ll be the first to know”. I also don’t want to seem like I’m a whiny little child who needs compliments.

But you know what? I do. Mark Twain once said that a man could live two weeks on a single compliment and that is so the case with me. I respond so well to positive reinforcement, I know this about me. I’m definitely reward-driven. Threaten me with something negative if I don’t do something right or well and you stand a 50-50 chance of getting it out of me. Give me some encouragement and the reward of telling me that I did good? Not only are you going to get it, you’ll get whipped cream and sprinkles too. So long as it’s genuine - if I have even an inkling that it is a line, I’m back to the circle and the cycle.

I’m 39 (ugh) years old now and been in my job for a billion years. I can take the negatives, truly I can, but I need that balance and I don’t know how to get it. Back to the circle. I’m almost to the point where I want to just say something utterly childish like, “Please just be nice to me”. Even worse, I find myself terribly sad because I feel there are several who just don’t like me and it’s quite possibly the first time ever I have tried this hard and wanted to be liked this much, and failed so thoroughly. With some people.

The worst part is that it’s seeping into other aspects of my life. I am sad. A lot. And who the hell likes to be around someone who’s sad? I don’t complain about my job or about certain people, not really. It’s not a steady stream of negativity because I don’t do that anymore. Still, I find my sparkle to be ebbing and others in my life are bearing the brunt of that. I’m losing relationships and I don’t have that many to begin with. But I’m starting to doubt my intelligence and abilities in most aspects of my life now, my confidence fading and I hate that so I shy away from people.

I don’t remember ever caring quite this much, ever wanting to be liked to this extent, and failing so completely. If I’m quiet and reserved (which happens a lot now because I’m frightened to open my mouth and say something stupid or panic and ask the wrong question), I appear apathetic and aloof, a snobby bitch. If I allow my true person out and make genuine efforts to get to know people, laugh, try to lighten the mood (because I truly believe that sharing laughter bonds people), I’m not taking things seriously. And lately I have noticed (OK, more than noticed, I’ve kept a record) that when I am friendlier and work harder to project a happy vibe, that’s when the criticism and curtness increases - if I were more paranoid, I’d say that it’s done intentionally to bring me down.

Oh wait, I am more paranoid.

It isn’t just work though that is a big part of it. I’ve backed away from some people I felt were not positive influences on my life and that has been hard to do. The damage from the interactions with some family last year continue to prevent me from trying to get close to them again even though I continue to contribute and help from a distance. And those in my family that I love more than anything are so far away that it plays a big role in this new-found feeling of lonely.

One step forward, three steps back, it seems. And while I try so damn hard to take immense joy and satisfaction with every step forward (and I’m taking leaps forward), the backpedaling steals the thunder from the things I do feel good about. The new people in my life that rapidly are becoming important to me, the sometimes painful work on my body image, striving towards a healthier life inside and out, all of it just sort of crumples up far too easily.

I don’t quite know what to do about it. The only time I feel “better” about things, the only time my positive outlook and hopeful feelings return, is after I’ve been to the gym. Even when I’m on the verge of tears going in, I walk out of there renewed and restored. But those feelings don’t remain with me nearly as long anymore because it’s as if there’s someone or something always waiting for me to hit X% of happiness or cheerfulness and then I have to be peed upon. I don’t know where that threshold is and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve talked to some counselors and so far none have made me feel as if I would benefit from regular contact. I refuse to drug myself into oblivion and I absolutely refuse to lean on some crap excuse like a new diagnosis of a condition including the word “manic” like so many people who have crossed my path. “Bipolar” seems to be the new ADD-HD, the latest trend in over-diagnosing what was once a very rare condition just so we can shove some more pills into the Walgreen’s bag and not look at who we are in our souls - we just adjust the chemicals and I’m not going there.

I love the way I feel when I’m happy. It’s not some soaring “manic” ultra high/ultra low thing. When I’m happy, I am just….content and proud and peaceful and filled with joy. OK sure, sometimes that means breaking out into a Scooby Dance or leaving a message for someone singing at the top of my lungs, or even just throwing my arms up in the air in victory when I’m alone (and I do). And nor do my sad times send me into a fetal position believing that the world is lost. I don’t have those dramatic swings. But I get brought down easier than I have in a long time which sucks because I have far more to be happy about and thankful for these days than I have in years and what I want most is to be able to celebrate that.

And I can’t. And the more I realize that, the sadder I feel.

I don’t think I’m having a meltdown. But I do feel like part of me is melting.

So, for all of you who are sick of reading about all the positive happy stuff that I try so hard to focus on, here you go. Life doesn’t suck, not at all. But I feel like this isn’t what or where I’m supposed to be. I wish I could figure out the healthy way to make it right. Well, I will eventually because I’m motivated to continue loving the world and everyone in it.

Even you.

Went to Vegas. Got sunburned. Ate cake. Walked everywhere. Got presents. Danced. Sang. Celebrated.

Oh, and drank. A lot. I’ve ever seen a picture of me looking so stupidly short bus-riding drunk before. But that’s OK, was my birthday.

There’s a photo after this one where you can only see the tops of my feet. Because while I did manage to stay balanced for this one, the balance was as fleeting as my youth and I went over backwards. No, I’m not posting it.

And…I got cake. With my name on it. However, we ate the part with my name.