How To Not Get Laid

(Or, Reasons I May Remain Celibate For Life)

The following is by no means comprehensive. What it is, unfortunately, is all 100% true tales of lines, conversations, and actual questions I have encountered in the last year or two. Seriously, I do wish that even half of this list was fabricated or at least exaggerated. However, in this case, use of quotation marks are intended for the sole purpose of…quoting. Yes people, this is my life. B the way, all of these statements were made prior to a third date. Some before a first date.

“Well, I kind of have an open marriage.”

“I don’t mean to be crass but we’ve already done the coffee thing and we’ve done the drinks thing. If we’re going to go to dinner, are you coming over after or not?”

“I usually only date models but you’re actually kind of a refreshing change.”

“I can be your friend and we can do the dinner and drinks thing, or we can fuck. I really don’t have the capacity to be both.”

“Well, I broke up with my last girlfriend because she put on so much weight. She went from a size 2 to a  6, it was fucking disgusting.”

“How much do you make?”

“Jesus Christ, movies are fucking expensive these days. You don’t want popcorn, do you?”

“You’re done losing weight? Really?”

“Goddamn, you used to be a whale.”

“You’d look great if you got implants. And maybe a facelift.”

“When did you turn 40?”

“I shouldn’t have another drink because when I introduce you to my Johnson, I want you to be impressed.”

“I need to get this in the open right now. I don’t do vanilla sex ever. If you’re not even up for anal, tell me now.”

“I really like you but I can’t get past how fat you used to be. What if you gain it back?”

“But you’ve had plastic surgery right? Or are you just rolls and rolls underneath that dress?”

“How about I just stop by your place on my way home from the airport for a little while and we do the dinner and getting-to-know-you thing another night?”

And my all time favorite:

“I looooove older women. They are so established, experienced, and know what they want.” (Yes there’s a back story to this that I will share some day.)