The weekend has been stunning. Not because anything extraordinary has happened (so far anyway). In fact, quite the opposite. The last day and a half has been chock full of complete and utter happiness because of complete and utter normalcy. No, that isn’t quite right either because “normal” things don’t usually make someone soar the way that I have been. And all these feelings I attribute directly to the X Project and many of them specifically to The X Gym.
Good God, where to begin? I don’t know how to separate things out and I guess I can’t. Since the X Project has developed into a makeover of the body and the mind, it’s really impossible to pinpoint what things have caused which changes. A part of me is almost afraid to even write about these good things because I don’t want the bottom to fall out. But I guess that’s another change - I don’t think it will and even if things start to tank, I feel strong enough about myself at this point to not come totally undone.
My job is getting better, slowly but surely. It’s so hard, so challenging, so intimidating. I have never had to work so hard to learn the way I have here. Even when I was at Mettler last year, I was more or less in charge of my “department” and felt confident enough in my abilities and had so much support from the guys on my team and my managers that while the technology was over my head and daunting, I didn’t spend the majority of my time feeling like a complete imbecile. This is just so different for so many reasons. But I feel more comfortable with the boys in my group now, though still ill-at-ease with most of my teammates. This is in large part because we’re all spread out - my manager is in LA, some of the group is in Sunnyvale (California), some is in North Carolina, a couple here in Redmond. Other parts of the team are in Romania, Colorado, California, and more. So you have to rely on chat, email, IRC, and lots of phone calls. While it’s very streamlined and high tech, it’s hard to bond and form true camaraderie. But I’m feeling better with the Redmond group and that’s a big step forward for me. I’m also starting to feel like I am able to participate with the rest of the team now and really that just makes a big difference. Plus, I’ve made some friends in the company now which is truly fantastic. It’s the first time since Motorola that I felt like there were people at my office who could be a part of other areas of my life and it’s nice. I don’t know if I’m really as confident as it sounds, but what I do know is that I’m not afraid the way I used to be.
Speaking of friends, I’ve made huge leaps and bounds in this arena, at least for me. After so much isolation and hiding from people and not even considering relationships of any sort, I am amazed at how the world is reacting to me. It seemed like as soon as I stopped being so afraid, so self conscious, so suspicious, and gave people a chance, they are coming out of the woodwork and that in and of itself is making the ghosts of Those Who Broke My Trust fade even further. People are worming their way into my life on every level and while it does scare me to start trying to get close to people again, I feel this stirring of excitement that perhaps there’s a new level of my life I am reaching.
There’s one boy in particular who has had a pretty big impact on me in a fairly short period of time. He’s one of those people that you just know is going to be special. On exactly what level, I don’t quite know and am willing to just sort of play it by ear. There’s another boy who I adore more than Cheetos; on the infrequent occasions we get to meet up, I have such a fantastic time. He’s introduced me to his friends and they have all just sort of brought me into this fold of friends. I was out with them last night and while I’ve developed some relatively big hots for one of them, I feel no pressure to be a Woman in their midst - I’m just Marybeth and I love it. They are rapidly becoming family to me, the kinds of people that make you feel secure and protected and…friends.
We were taking pictures last night and in one of them, Cheeto scooped me up like I was a feather. I was so terrified I was shaking because nobody ever picked me up like that before. Granted, the Weenie From Back Then Who We Hope Develops A Permanent Burning Itching Rash sometimes picked me up but never ever like this. Cheeto just totally spontaneously flooooop scooped me and stood there like he was holding nothing heavier than a beer and waited for the picture to be taken. It ain’t that great of a shot because the look on my face could have a cartoon bubble over my head saying, “Oh my fucking God please don’t let me break his back”.
Many much Citrons and waters later, I made it back home and tumbled happily into bed. I fell asleep fairly easily and awoke about 5:30 with a big blue cat in my arms and a twinge of hangover. Yet I was up and productive within minutes. Two loads of laundry, dishes, and unpacking the summer wardrobe and storing the winter things…all before 9:00. Mostly because it was going to be 90 today and I wanted to get the machinery-operated stuff done before my apartment became an oven.
I went to my training feeling…wonky. I felt lethargic but not necessarily tired, certainly in no mood to work out. It’s difficult to put my finger on it but this was the first time I felt no enthusiasm at hitting the machines, perhaps because I’m still upset by the recent weight gain (thanks Deluzy for your comment, I do feel a little better). But I made myself go and started session two of my second level. Now I don’t know what happened when, but it didn’t take long before I was getting into it. I was more serious than normal, still feeling strangely subdued. But this was one of my favorite trainers, the one who signed me up at the beginning. He has a unique style that focuses as much on form as completion and while he’s just as tough as the others, there’s something about his presence that soothes me and makes me feel like I can do it. And today was no different - he worked me much harder and I got through it. We talked a little about the weekend plans and I pitifully admitted I would likely be holed up reading. He plopped getting out in the sun for at least an hour into my head and left it at that.
And that was enough.
By the time we were finished, I felt like B had completely reworked my mind as well as worked over my body. It’s the damnedest thing and I still don’t know what he did to me. I staggered out of the gym and started to turn to the right to go home and then I stopped. I turned around and boom - right in front of me was a cruise ship in port. So I walked the two blocks to the bay to peek up at it, watch people boarding, and just had this desire to be out, about, and part of the scene. The boat was shining on the water, the sidewalks were filled with tourists and locals alike it was just a beautiful sight to behold…the kind of moment that keeps me living downtown:
I walked along the pier, admiring the the sun cutting through the haze, the snow-capped Olympics across the water, the city behind me, and of course my beloved Mt. Rainier in the distance…
I just felt so alive, full of energy, happiness, satisfaction…not “normal” and not on some manic high either. I wish I could explain to you how different I felt after leaving the gym and walking along the piers. I kept thinking back over the last few days, weeks, months and smiling…giving myself credit for the changes I’ve made in myself, physical and mental. I stood looking at the city as I took the picture above and while my arms were raised, holding my phone up to snap the picture, I caught a shadow of my reflection in the glass. And I looked at that little reflection and said…
I’m proud of you, Marybeth
I kept walking for a while and then looked to my left at a sight I’d seen many times over the years and just scurried away in fear. But not today. Today, I challenged what was in my line of sight and then challenged myself to see just what I could do, and shocked the shit out of myself.
More to come.
