The Anti Crankypants

So today’s outlook is essentially the antithesis of how I was feeling a few days ago. Not because so many things have been lovingly and happily resolved in a way that brings me peace of mind and have me singing happily from the mountaintops. But the sunshine of clarity has infused me a little more than expected. The last few minutes hours days weeks months everything have been stunning with regards to Learning. About myself, about others, about the Past, about the present, and even about the near future. I’ve had some disappointments lately but at the same time, some of the most amazing and wonderful things are going on. Some are tangible and some I couldn’t even begin to remotely describe so I’m not going to try. I don’t think I want to break it all down and identify it anyway.

Went out Friday night with Cute Boy II. We went all over the place and hell, I even tried dancing. And I learned that I’m a lousy dancer sober but not too bad after a zillion cocktails. Actually, that isn’t true, I’m even worse after a zillion cocktails but I care a hell of a lot less. I also learned that I really really like Taco Del Mar. At least in the middle of the night.

Yesterday is actually a bit of a blur. I don’t think I accomplished a whole lot other than smiling like a tard, purging a lot of unnecessary crap from my life, accepting my mistakes and limitations, laughing my ass off at some Silly People, and making some plans. Well, trying to make some plans. I think I let go of some things too, albeit reluctantly. I could be wrong, it could just be temporary insanity and/or denial. But I don’t think so. We’ll see what the next week brings.

But for now, I’m really sort of stupidly happy. Still a bit nervous about some decisions I must make. But at the same time, I’ve come to the conclusion that what I choose going forward can still have the input and guidance of others but will be my decisions. My choices. And I’ll own them. I hope I don’t have to make them alone. I hope I’m not left sort of blowing in the wind, left to interpret and analyze, to wonder. I hope it can all just be one happy Lovefest and that the world will be brilliantly sunny and great and wonderful.

Hope springs eternal!

What brought all this on? Hell if I know. I’ve gotten some sleep. Found my smile. Accepted the truths I’ve learned. Hard to explain. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in the last few days.

I guess when you finally make a decision, at least you can take that off your plate and then move on and deal with the fact that you’ve made a choice. I’ve actually made several recently - all affect my future and my life. Some are known, some are not. Some won’t make sense to many and will probably surprise a lot of people. But that’s OK, I know what I am going to do now, what I am. And what I am not.

And that’s a good thing. So I’m going to go out and enjoy the sunshine while I still can.