Attraversiamo

Remember I promised that at some point I’d try to create a few videos? It’s not that I’ve been avoiding it, nor have I been so busy that I just couldn’t squeeze it in. I just needed some time and space to digest all of the changes.

The move was as close to seamless as possible. I did it all myself, including strapping a mattress to the top of the car and hauling everything up the stairs. Funny, that was my favorite part of all of it, going up and down the stairs over and over again. I’d forgotten what good clean exercise felt like. I’m sure I forgot a few things but nothing worth returning to pick up. I’ve got my new coffee maker and I’ve got my old cat. What more does a girl need?

OK furniture would be nice. Cookware that doesn’t melt ($20 at Wal Mart gets you a couple of pots that fall apart after 3 uses). It will be slow to build things up as the move did indeed wipe me out. But that’s OK because the restoration to my soul is worth playing Pennies For Lattes until I’m 42.

Every morning, I wake up in a light and bright room (once I pull back the blackout curtains) and stare up at the vaulted ceiling and think about how it’s yet another beautiful day. Hot, but beautiful. The area reminds me a bit of Seattle – it’s very ped-friendly, every store I love is walking distance (though I will think twice the next time I traipse the 1.7 miles to the store when it’s 107), there are walking trails close by and even a very pretty lake. When I walk to my car, my nose is assaulted by the delicious smells of the landscaping of my building. When I stand on my balcony, I’m reminded of my old apartment where if I leaned way out and smushed my face against the window, I could see mountains. Here I don’t have to smush – I just lean a little and see a beautiful collection of mountains that are spectacular at sunset.

I had a lovely holiday and am getting ready to spend a few hours at the (very comfortable) pool. Last night after the fireworks and fanfare died down, I started thinking of Attraversiamo and an email from someone asking me not to back away from my video promise. So, I tried. It’s not terribly profound but she was right – I do owe some “face to face” time. It’s a first attempt and more will come as I collect my thoughts. Next time, I promise to put on makeup and even comb my hair.

The words are jumbled; not because there was anything strong in my glass (lemon water) but because I felt so peaceful, so…relaxed…I just couldn’t organize myself. But I was thinking about you guys and wanted you to know. I do miss you. I’ve missed myself too and am glad to see her coming back. But hey, see for yourself:

Well my friends, the time is here. I’ve avoided writing a wrap-up because I had it in my head that I needed some spectacular send-off, filled with words of inspiration, conclusions, humor, sentiment, and wisdom. I planned on recording a couple of videos and feel like I’ve led you on promising them. They will happen, but I just don’t know when. Every time I “plan” to do it, I stare at the camera and can’t find the words. I do have a space on You Tube where I upload videos; you’re welcome to subscribe although I warn you that it’s rarely anything interesting. Unless you find things like me dragging my finger through dirt, howling cats, and tours of my new digs compelling content.

There may come a time when I find the words to speak what this site and my readers have meant to me. I don’t know when and I don’t know how. If I do it in the near future, I will post it here. That said, my plan is to delete what little remains of this site in the next couple of weeks. If it’s gone, it will just be on my You Tube (WebGirlie). Why don’t I just delete it now, you are wondering?

I can’t seem to bring myself to do it just yet. I’ve read through all of your comments 10 times and read through so many old emails that you guys have sent over the years. And while everything’s changed again in the last couple of weeks and I’ve pressed on, gotten away from a literal and metaphorical toxic situation, I just can’t click the “Delete This Blog” button no matter how many times I look at it. It’s as if this is the last part of a large part of my life that I would be cutting loose and while I’ve stopped writing, just knowing it’s there has made me feel like not everything is unknown to me, that I’ve still got my little cyber family nearby.

How can I just summarize? I can’t. This era of my life has been just so wholly unexpected. Nothing has happened the way I thought it would. After my WLS, I honestly did not believe it would work. Then when it worked, I didn’t think it would stick – I was sure I would regain. Now here I am, how many years later? Believe it or not, I truly do not remember what year I had my WLS. Yeah, I could look it up but I think it’s rather telling to say that I don’t remember the year (I believe it was 2004).

Did you read that? Read it again. I do not remember the year of my weight loss surgery. Now Nov 18 I remember and that will always be an anniversary. But it’s not a day that I celebrate or commemorate any longer. I can’t tell you when I had my breast reduction, my tummy tuck, or any of it. When I talk about it to people and they ask how long it took to take off the weight, I have to be vague. I think it was 5 months for the first hundred and 12 for the second. I don’t know.

For the first time, I did not perform my bi-annual weigh-in last month. I usually do it May and November. Admittedly, part of me didn’t do it because I know I’ve put on more weight than I want to know. But it’s more than that. I don’t really care about the number anymore. It’s no longer a “success”, it’s just…me. Well, and my scale (like most things) was covered by a thick layer of dirt. Partially due to my living conditions but mostly due to lack of use. For all intents and purposes, I have not looked at a scale in 8 months and I’m fine with that. My weight is no longer part of my identity.

This has led to many questions in my mind. Who am I now? No longer am I the weight loss blogger. Now I’m just – this regular person who hates her sagging butt and jiggle-thighs. Who longs for another tummy tuck, a full one this time to get the upper ab area to match the lower (insurance only covered the panni). I’m no longer extremely thin – I am a size 4. Gone are the days of slipping into a pair of size zero pants. I’d like to drop 10 pounds and think I probably will now that I’m in a healthier environment. That will get me back into my 2’s which is where I’d like to be.

I no longer place any true value on my size. So what does that mean? It means I’ve become…

Normal. Regular. Average. A completely nondescript human being who doesn’t identify herself based on the scale. It took many years to get there but it happened.

This site has brought incredible adventures. That’s the word I have to use. It’s brought lawsuits, cease and desist orders, office supplies hurled at my head, imitators, stalkers, wackos (Hi Debs – now that I have more free time, I’m going to crawl back into your computer), wannabes, haters, and dorks. It’s also brought some of the most amazing and wonderful people on the face of the planet into my life. I’ve made friends on every continent and in almost every state.

And I’ve lost more than just weight through these adventures. I lost my marriage, many friends, and even most of my family. But time does bring about change. Some of those people have returned and we continue to work through new dynamics. My ex husband and I have found a friendship and for that I am unbelievably grateful. My relationship with my mother is…well…

…moving right along…

Some of the friends that came into my life through these adventures saved my life. Then some of them almost took my life. Some took so much out of me that it takes my breath away. Leeched on my identity, placed me on pedestals so high that I developed vertigo. I failed to live up to those expectations, I shattered their illusions. Some chose to read more into my words than were there, believing that I was more (or less) than what I said I was. I’ve been severely punished for those sins in some ways. Some of you have been failed by me. I failed to be the friend or love you wanted me to be and will always feel that failure. Some of you walked away and some of you simply silently turned away and closed your door. So be it. Some of you also greatly disappointed me as well, as I began to peel away layers and discover that you did not pay me the compliment of being yourself as I was to you. I’ve always been so honest about who I am, good and bad, quirks and neuroses, highs and lows. But in spite of that, some chose to pretend to be more than they were and when those masks were removed, it revealed what you were not. To those who did that, I am disillusioned and disappointed. But – so be it.

So many of you shocked me beyond words and helped me more than I ever imagined. I thank every one of you for that. For your support. For your gifts. For your words. For trusting me with your stories. For letting me into your lives as I’ve let you into mine. I hope you will remain in contact with me. Thank you, all of you, for every email, text message, phone call, and comment. You’ve made me realize that I am no different from anybody else and I hope that this site has given you that same comfort. I hope you’ve seen yourself in my words. I hope more than once, you’ve read something and thought to yourself, “Oh my GOD – me too! I thought I was the only one!!”

You’re not. You’re not the only one. And neither am I.

I can’t name all of you, there are too many. But I thank every single one of you who came into my life through this site. Thank you for your help and your eyes and your words. Thank you, Lesley (lesley lesley lesley!), Vee, Krissi, Wendy, Vicki, Alison, Jamie, Daisy, Liz, Rose, Deb, Sarah, PattyL, Alex, Sharon, Jennifer, Bab, Michelle, Linda, Lynda, Clint, Oliver, Scott, Am, Bob, Gary, Jack, Bill, Steve, LG, Donna, Stephanie, Morgan, Diane, Ann (the great one), Serendip, Gwen, Tara my beloved, Angela, Letitia, Missy, Lorie, Lori, Donna, Heather, Rose, Robyn (Roooobyn and the monstercats), Hannale, Mary, the other Mary (I understand now), marywa, Helen, Kathy, Ang, MJ, Chasity, Mel (Melly Mel!), Amanda, AngNSA, Motorola, Mettler, Microsoft, Wayne, Dr. Peters, Wasser, Boy Monkey, Girl Monkey, Dr. Lund, Dr. Canning, Seattle, Nordstrom, Chevrolet, Las Vegas, HP, Menno, the singing barista, Cozzy, Welch, Cyclops, Annabel, Susan, Cheeto, X Gym, Laura M, Bubble….and all of the people I couldn’t remember. There are too many and you’ve all touched my life in some way. And I thank you for that.

A special thank you to Liz Gilbert who let me use her word. You will always have a special place in my heart.

All of you will. Always and forever. Thank you for coming with me. Thank you for reading. Thank you for helping. Thank you for your continued help as I start again.

As I start again. And again. And again.

Thank you and good bye for now. But I’m not really leaving – I’m always here if you need me.

With love, friendship, and gratitude (ok, and tears),

Marybeth

And now, the end is here and so I face my final blog post.

My friends, I’ll say it clear, I’ll state my case of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full

I’ve traveled each and every highway.

And more, much more than this, I blogged it my way.

Mistakes, I’ve made a lot

Wrote in my blog without exemption

Sometimes my judgement sucked

Received some crap for what I mentioned

I bought a lot of shoes

Blogged about each and every purchase

But more, much more than this,

I blogged it my way

Yes, there were times, as you well knew

I bit off more than I could chew.

But through it all, when there was doubt,

I ate too much and barfed it out.

I faced it all and I stood tall;

And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.

I’ve had my fill; my share of snarking.

And now, as tears subside,

I hope you found it sometimes amusing.

To think I wrote all that;

And may I say – not in a shy way,

No, oh no not me,

I blogged it my way.

For who am I, what have I got?

If not myself, then I am naught

To write the things I truly feel

They’re not the words of a bitch who kneels (shut up)

This blog it showed, I took the blows

And wrote it my way.

Updated 6/4

 

It’s been almost two weeks now and I know that many of you are wondering what the hell happened. To be honest, I’m not sure I really understand it myself. As Angela in Ohio commented, “haven’t we heard this before?” and yes you have. More than once I thought perhaps I needed to close down but I always searched for what I felt was a logical breaking point, some event, some catalyst that screamed out to me “Your story is over”. 

 

The fact of the matter is that my “story” as it were will never be over until yall are at my funeral. But this chapter, this phase, well…it’s done. I had my surgery, I lost the weight, I went through the changes associated with them and started again. What remains is this new person, this hybrid of who I was and who I became. Like life, who and what I am continues to evolve but now it’s an evolution of a woman. Not a woman who lost a lot of weight, not a woman who had some sort of mental shift and decided to pick up and move to Las Vegas, and most of all, not of WebGirlie. 

 

I promise, there was no specific event or catalyst that prompted removing Attraversiamo. Not really. Very literally, I opened my eyes on Sunday morning and knew it was time. I got up, made a pot of coffee, and there was absolutely no indecision whatsoever. There’s one thing. I have found myself using my site as a way to drop hints about events that do affect me but more indirectly and I didn’t like that about myself. I absolutely deplore people who use their blogs as a means of communicating with someone instead of speaking directly to them and so that makes it doubly wrong for me to do it. If you’re doing that to someone in your life, STOP. Be a big girl or big boy and stop using a web site to talk to someone because you’re too self involved to do it directly.

 

So there’s that and then there was one event that really drove it home. I was witness to a series of interactions between two ostensibly grown women, two people who were friends for over 20 years. They were both crappy to each other, in different ways, in different forms of disrespect. To my absolute horror, one of these women turned her back on an obviously in-need friend and walked away. I think I know the real (and very petty) reasons why she made that choice (you do too, and for what it’s worth, you are a tiny little person and should be ashamed of yourself). Regardless, it’s been way too hard not to write about it and somehow I knew Attraversiamo had come to an end. Part of the “era” I suppose. I didn’t know friends could turn away on each other like that. Then again, it seems to have been a harbinger.

 

I began the process. Yes, I backed it up and I will indeed turn it into an electronic single version – but I have to strip the XML and other crap out of it then convert it and that will take time and software I still don’t have for the Mac. I discovered if I wanted to keep the shell of Attraversiamo, I had to delete the posts individually. And thanks to the brilliant user interface of WordPress, I had to do it 10 posts at a time. Do you have ANY idea how long it took? Talk about taking off the Band Aid slowly. I watched 6 years of my life unfold, about ten days at a time. And as I went along, I read much of what I’d written, sometimes smiling, sometimes laughing and snorting, and sometimes biting my lip sadly. It brought back a lot of memories.

 

But that’s what they are. Memories. The past. And that morning, I knew that if I had any chance whatsoever at making this life’s experiment work I had to stop associating who I am with who I was. Attraversiamo in all of its forms served me well. But I’ve crossed those streets and I’m looking at a map to find new ones. I don’t want to be Marybeth-WebGirlie-Who-Lost-Weight-And-Is-Finding-Herself. I found myself. I’m not thrilled with certain aspects of what I’ve found, but the self-discovery is done. Now I have to parse the results, see what else needs to be fixed or changed and continue to move forward. 

 

As long as this site remains, even as an archive, it will carry too prominent a part of my identity. That doesn’t mean I will stop writing. I can’t – it’s what I do, it’s who I am and I think I’m kind of good at it. But to continue to maintain a blog even remotely focused on this will keep the rest of Marybeth from becoming all that she has the potential to be. I have forgotten much about my Fat Life and while sometimes I feel a little guilty about that, about forgetting the agony of that life, most of the time I do not. 

 

That’s all I can explain to you right now. Much has changed. I have to find a way out of a bad situation, quickly. I need to find a place to live and some people I can trust. I cannot stay here. Why? You will have to ask my roommate. There is a solution available to me, actually there are two. But they require involvement of someone else and there’s nobody to be that someone that I can see.

 

I am very grateful to those who have sent a tip and I know that I owe you mail. I remain very sad and overwhelmed by the stress but will resume responding to mail this week, I promise. In the interim, thank you. Yes there will still be a movie or two. I even wrote a song. I just don’t have the heart to find my smile and sing it to you and I want to leave you all with a smile.

 

But I felt I owed an explanation.