Attraversiamo

OK, I need help. I need shoes. Not just any shoes, Girlfriend needs her very favorite shoes. But they appear to have been discontinued. I’ve Googled, I’ve Dog Piled, I’ve Ebay’d. Nothing.

Let this be a lesson to you, all you judging little crapweasels who have smacked your snark on me for buying multiple pairs of the same shoe in the past. When you find a pair that you love, fits great, is comfortable, and makes you feel like the sexiest woman on earth, buy as many pairs as you can get your paws on, sacrificing body parts (your own or other shoppers stupid enough to get in your way) or else you will end up the way I am right now. Screwed.

I bought these wooden heel platform sandals a few years ago. They got me my sexy back, and affordably so. I think they are at least 4 inches but the most comfortable things I’ve ever worn. In spite of the thin heel, I could even run in them. They almost always got me compliments and well, just between us, they have gotten me some wunnerful nookie in the past. I loved them and they loved me.

LOVE.

In fact, I loved them so much that I wore them out. I literally wore them until the soles split in two. The straps didn’t wear out, they disintegrated. The reinforcements inside the leather strappies on the shoe itself have split away from the leather. The soles - seriously, cracked right through like some fashion-induced earthquake fault.

They are beyond repair. The shoe guy laughed at me.

I need them. I don’t care who you have to beat up, maim, threaten. I don’t care whose closets you have to sneak into during the dead of night to steal theirs. Find them for me. Please. They are by Steve Madden and the name of the shoe is “Wickerr” and yes, it’s spelled right. I believe they came in black, white, and red. I have the red, though you can barely tell they were once red. I don’t care what color, I want them all. I will double check the size but 9 for sure, could probably wear an 8.5 also.

I will pay a finder’s fee, I will prostitute myself and whore myself out for whatever you want. Just find them for me. Help. Please.

Girlfriend needs to get her sexy back.

Comments open for any URLs you may find, or you can email me as well.

How To Not Get Laid

(Or, Reasons I May Remain Celibate For Life)

The following is by no means comprehensive. What it is, unfortunately, is all 100% true tales of lines, conversations, and actual questions I have encountered in the last year or two. Seriously, I do wish that even half of this list was fabricated or at least exaggerated. However, in this case, use of quotation marks are intended for the sole purpose of…quoting. Yes people, this is my life. B the way, all of these statements were made prior to a third date. Some before a first date.

“Well, I kind of have an open marriage.”

“I don’t mean to be crass but we’ve already done the coffee thing and we’ve done the drinks thing. If we’re going to go to dinner, are you coming over after or not?”

“I usually only date models but you’re actually kind of a refreshing change.”

“I can be your friend and we can do the dinner and drinks thing, or we can fuck. I really don’t have the capacity to be both.”

“Well, I broke up with my last girlfriend because she put on so much weight. She went from a size 2 to a  6, it was fucking disgusting.”

“How much do you make?”

“Jesus Christ, movies are fucking expensive these days. You don’t want popcorn, do you?”

“You’re done losing weight? Really?”

“Goddamn, you used to be a whale.”

“You’d look great if you got implants. And maybe a facelift.”

“When did you turn 40?”

“I shouldn’t have another drink because when I introduce you to my Johnson, I want you to be impressed.”

“I need to get this in the open right now. I don’t do vanilla sex ever. If you’re not even up for anal, tell me now.”

“I really like you but I can’t get past how fat you used to be. What if you gain it back?”

“But you’ve had plastic surgery right? Or are you just rolls and rolls underneath that dress?”

“How about I just stop by your place on my way home from the airport for a little while and we do the dinner and getting-to-know-you thing another night?”

And my all time favorite:

“I looooove older women. They are so established, experienced, and know what they want.” (Yes there’s a back story to this that I will share some day.)

It looks like our little heat wave is over for now. Based on history, I’d say we will have 1 or 2 more of these later this summer. Strange thing about Seattle is that it is extremely equinox-based as far as the weather goes. Where most parts of the country really see summer around Memorial Day and ending at Labor Day, we really don’t get the seasonal change until the official starts of the seasons and then it just blammo - welcome to the next season.

I think I’ve slept 3 or 4 hours since Friday. Most of the rest of the time was laying there in a state of semi consciousness, feeling just so icky and uncomfortable.

About 2 this morning as I flipped over again, pushing Bosco away (who enjoys cuddling even more when it’s a billion degrees), I sat halfway up in bed. I swung my legs over to the other side and just sort of watched myself do it. The ease and increased flexibility and mobility I had sort of surprised me. As I started to bitch to myself about how stuffy and icky it was, seeing that even at 2 in the morning it was still about 90 in my apartment, I thought back to the Old Days and really just marveled. In Houston, even 73 or 74 degrees had me sweating profusely and barely able to breathe, certainly unable to do any sort of exercise. And yet, there I was lying there in an airless 90 degree room after walking miles and miles in the bright sun and heat most of the weekend.

I forget sometimes. Actually, I forget a lot. But this morning, in the middle of my complaining, I paused and smiled. I am forgetting now…forgetting just how incapacitated I once was, how miserable, how unable to tolerate the elements. It’s things like this I need to remember, especially when I wig out over a 5-7 pound weight gain. Because I’m never going back to that again and need to keep reminding myself of that.

Conditions outside (note the dew point high and the breeze):

Conditions on the digital thermometer on my dining room table:

112 F, Heat Index 117

Breeze? None. It is so godawful in here that I truly understand now how people can suffocate in their apartments. I am literally having a hard time breathing and it’s just going to get worse as the sun starts to dip in front of my window.

I’m going to go boot the cat out of the bath tub and take a cold soak. The cat, by the way, seems to be under the impression that this heat is my doing because he walks up to me, makes this horrible yowling noise, bites me hard enough to go through my skin, shows me his butt, then gets back into the tub, yowling angrily.

So the photos below are a series of stairs that lead from the piers and Alaskan Way up to Western Avenue and subsequently into Pike Place Market, a place that one should avoid at all costs on summer Saturdays. Unless you’re really jonesing for some nibbles from DeLaurenti which unfortunately I was.

It’s difficult to really get a feel for just how steep these steps are from the photos but let me tell you, they are brutal and seem to go forever.

And then when you think you’re done, there’s another set:

As you can see to the left, there’s actually a third set but I was in too much shock and sweat to take a third photo. Why was I in shock?

Because I ran up them.

Sure, I did a bouncy jog here and there, but I bounded up those bad boys, every one of them. When I got to the top, my throat was searing but I didn’t flop over and wait for Death either. I actually could continue walking. And so I did.

Now that’s an X Project/X Gym moment. Even better than seeing my abs a little for the first time today, better than seeing a tiny curve of muscle in my thigh, better than havig biceps. I ran up these boogers. What an amazing feeling of freedom.

The weekend has been stunning. Not because anything extraordinary has happened (so far anyway). In fact, quite the opposite. The last day and a half has been chock full of complete and utter happiness because of complete and utter normalcy. No, that isn’t quite right either because “normal” things don’t usually make someone soar the way that I have been. And all these feelings I attribute directly to the X Project and many of them specifically to The X Gym.

Good God, where to begin? I don’t know how to separate things out and I guess I can’t. Since the X Project has developed into a makeover of the body and the mind, it’s really impossible to pinpoint what things have caused which changes. A part of me is almost afraid to even write about these good things because I don’t want the bottom to fall out. But I guess that’s another change - I don’t think it will and even if things start to tank, I feel strong enough about myself at this point to not come totally undone.

My job is getting better, slowly but surely. It’s so hard, so challenging, so intimidating. I have never had to work so hard to learn the way I have here. Even when I was at Mettler last year, I was more or less in charge of my “department” and felt confident enough in my abilities and had so much support from the guys on my team and my managers that while the technology was over my head and daunting, I didn’t spend the majority of my time feeling like a complete imbecile. This is just so different for so many reasons. But I feel more comfortable with the boys in my group now, though still ill-at-ease with most of my teammates. This is in large part because we’re all spread out - my manager is in LA, some of the group is in Sunnyvale (California), some is in North Carolina, a couple here in Redmond. Other parts of the team are in Romania, Colorado, California, and more. So you have to rely on chat, email, IRC, and lots of phone calls. While it’s very streamlined and high tech, it’s hard to bond and form true camaraderie. But I’m feeling better with the Redmond group and that’s a big step forward for me. I’m also starting to feel like I am able to participate with the rest of the team now and really that just makes a big difference. Plus, I’ve made some friends in the company now which is truly fantastic. It’s the first time since Motorola that I felt like there were people at my office who could be a part of other areas of my life and it’s nice. I don’t know if I’m really as confident as it sounds, but what I do know is that I’m not afraid the way I used to be.

Speaking of friends, I’ve made huge leaps and bounds in this arena, at least for me. After so much isolation and hiding from people and not even considering relationships of any sort, I am amazed at how the world is reacting to me. It seemed like as soon as I stopped being so afraid, so self conscious, so suspicious, and gave people a chance, they are coming out of the woodwork and that in and of itself is making the ghosts of Those Who Broke My Trust fade even further. People are worming their way into my life on every level and while it does scare me to start trying to get close to people again, I feel this stirring of excitement that perhaps there’s a new level of my life I am reaching.

There’s one boy in particular who has had a pretty big impact on me in a fairly short period of time. He’s one of those people that you just know is going to be special. On exactly what level, I don’t quite know and am willing to just sort of play it by ear. There’s another boy who I adore more than Cheetos; on the infrequent occasions we get to meet up, I have such a fantastic time. He’s introduced me to his friends and they have all just sort of brought me into this fold of friends. I was out with them last night and while I’ve developed some relatively big hots for one of them, I feel no pressure to be a Woman in their midst - I’m just Marybeth and I love it. They are rapidly becoming family to me, the kinds of people that make you feel secure and protected and…friends.

We were taking pictures last night and in one of them, Cheeto scooped me up like I was a feather. I was so terrified I was shaking because nobody ever picked me up like that before. Granted, the Weenie From Back Then Who We Hope Develops A Permanent Burning Itching Rash sometimes picked me up but never ever like this. Cheeto just totally spontaneously flooooop scooped me and stood there like he was holding nothing heavier than a beer and waited for the picture to be taken. It ain’t that great of a shot because the look on my face could have a cartoon bubble over my head saying, “Oh my fucking God please don’t let me break his back”.

Many much Citrons and waters later, I made it back home and tumbled happily into bed. I fell asleep fairly easily and awoke about 5:30 with a big blue cat in my arms and a twinge of hangover. Yet I was up and productive within minutes. Two loads of laundry, dishes, and unpacking the summer wardrobe and storing the winter things…all before 9:00. Mostly because it was going to be 90 today and I wanted to get the machinery-operated stuff done before my apartment became an oven.

I went to my training feeling…wonky. I felt lethargic but not necessarily tired, certainly in no mood to work out. It’s difficult to put my finger on it but this was the first time I felt no enthusiasm at hitting the machines, perhaps because I’m still upset by the recent weight gain (thanks Deluzy for your comment, I do feel a little better). But I made myself go and started session two of my second level. Now I don’t know what happened when, but it didn’t take long before I was getting into it. I was more serious than normal, still feeling strangely subdued. But this was one of my favorite trainers, the one who signed me up at the beginning. He has a unique style that focuses as much on form as completion and while he’s just as tough as the others, there’s something about his presence that soothes me and makes me feel like I can do it. And today was no different - he worked me much harder and I got through it. We talked a little about the weekend plans and I pitifully admitted I would likely be holed up reading. He plopped getting out in the sun for at least an hour into my head and left it at that.

And that was enough.

By the time we were finished, I felt like B had completely reworked my mind as well as worked over my body. It’s the damnedest thing and I still don’t know what he did to me. I staggered out of the gym and started to turn to the right to go home and then I stopped. I turned around and boom - right in front of me was a cruise ship in port. So I walked the two blocks to the bay to peek up at it, watch people boarding, and just had this desire to be out, about, and part of the scene. The boat was shining on the water, the sidewalks were filled with tourists and locals alike it was just a beautiful sight to behold…the kind of moment that keeps me living downtown:

I walked along the pier, admiring the the sun cutting through the haze, the snow-capped Olympics across the water, the city behind me, and of course my beloved Mt. Rainier in the distance…

I just felt so alive, full of energy, happiness, satisfaction…not “normal” and not on some manic high either. I wish I could explain to you how different I felt after leaving the gym and walking along the piers. I kept thinking back over the last few days, weeks, months and smiling…giving myself credit for the changes I’ve made in myself, physical and mental. I stood looking at the city as I took the picture above and while my arms were raised, holding my phone up to snap the picture, I caught a shadow of my reflection in the glass. And I looked at that little reflection and said…

I’m proud of you, Marybeth

I kept walking for a while and then looked to my left at a sight I’d seen many times over the years and just scurried away in fear. But not today. Today, I challenged what was in my line of sight and then challenged myself to see just what I could do, and shocked the shit out of myself.

More to come.

Has anybody gone through intensive iron and other transfusion treatments for anemia and experienced a rapid and somewhat substantial weight gain from it? I know it’s not supposed to be a side effect but of course this is me we’re talking about and nothing is ever normal with me. I’ve gained a disturbing amount of weight in the last 10 days and the only thing different is that I started treatments.

Comments are open, information or links would be greatly appreciated.

I was browsing through a couple of the online forums that I no longer participate but still read from time to time. Today I was jaw-dropping floored by a couple of threads from people soliciting opinions about how long they should make their common channel and then reading the responses, sometimes backed up by fact and other times by quasi-statistics or semi-fact. One of those threads ended with the OP agreeing to go against her surgeon’s suggestion out of fear she won’t lose all of her weight.

Look people, I’ve touched on this topic in the past, I know I have. The Internet is a wonderful place to do research, read personal stories, and get opinions. But none of this is a substitute for medical facts obtained directly from a medical professional. Why the hell would you take the opinion of FormerFatty026 or LookAtMe or some other Net Person over the suggestions of your surgeon?

The only…and I mean ONLY…opinion or suggestion that is always correct from a discussion board member is: “Get a second opinion”. Anything else is certainly fodder to think about and perhaps discuss further but that discussion and clarification needs to happen with a doctor. There is not a single person who can predict how much weight you will lose with a specific surgery. In fact, most surgeons cannot either and I caution anybody researching WLS options to be extraordinarily wary of any surgeon who guarantees you results, good or bad. He can give you averages and statistics based upon his patients but no surgeon in his right mind will ever say to you, “OK, you are 175 pounds overweight and if you have this procedure with this common channel, you will lose every ounce. However, if you do it this way, you will only lose 125 pounds.”

Why? Because even with the precision of weight loss surgery, every body responds differently and every brain does too. You could have a technically perfect BPD/DS procedure and still not lose all the weight you wanted even if you do everything right. And let’s face reality - there are very few people who do everything right. You make choices. You select pastas or simple sugars or other foods over the lean protein. Some continue to drink. Others choose not to exercise. We all make lifestyle choices post op and that affects your bottom line weight loss too.

The best you should expect is to be given a percentage range (never EVER a specific number of pounds) of excess weight you could lose with any given surgical procedure. That number should come from your surgeon and it should be based not upon standard charts but on his own personal results from his patients. He should be able to give you statistics from his patient base for 6 months, and 1, 2, and 5 years. Not just weight loss but also common deficiencies and how they are being handled.

Use your head, people. Why would you even consider putting your health and future in the hands of an avatar? And don’t use people as a baseline or an example. You can’t look at me and think to yourself, “OK, Marybeth was 335 pounds and 5′8, had a 100 CC and lost her first hundred in 5 months and second hundred in 11 so therefore if I do the same, I will lose the same amount and at the exact same rate”. Marybeth’s absorption is different. Marybeth exercised until she dropped during her weight loss window. Marybeth routinely got in a huge amount of protein. But then again, Marybeth made some pisspoor choices too and they’ve caused some problems along the way. Marybeth is violently anemic. She’s got some other nutritional deficiencies. Yes, she’s maintained just about every single pound lost for years now but she works damn hard at it.

Through no fault of your own or your surgeon, you could start at 5′8 and 335 pounds, have the DS with a 100 CC and lose 125 pounds. Or 250. Or you could have a 50 CC and lose 75 pounds. No two people have the exact same result in the exact same timeframe even if they have the same surgery. Your body is a beautiful thing and it is unique unto itself. There is not another one like it on the planet. And it’s going to work your surgery the way it’s going to work it, no matter what FormerMember_206 posts to a forum.

Doctors. Surgeons. Medical Professionals. They are the ones you need to talk to. And if you hear something that worries you, get a second opinion. From another medical professional. Check “facts” you’ve read online with those who can answer scientifically. One of the best questions you can ask a doctor is “Why?” because then you get additional information and it could lead to important follow up questions.

But seriously, quit basing important life-altering decisions on what complete strangers have to say. They could be full of shit, they could be legit. How do you know? You don’t. And if you follow their advice and it falls apart, what is your recourse? Nothing…posting a flame somewhere isn’t going to fix your broken guts if you listened to a bunch of avatars and not your doctor. At most you’ll get shit like “Oh wow, that didn’t happen to me” or someone sending you fairy dust hugs and blessings and including you in a prayer chain.

Doctors. Listen to them or forever hold your yap.

So I’ve completed my first round of training. I don’t know all of the weights but my sessions were on the following machines (they may not be the exact machines but as close as I could guess):

Leg Press - This was usually the most difficult and painful part of my session because my knee just can’t support any level of compression. I tried so hard not to complain or wuss out but almost always required assistance in finishing. I think the weight was around 75 pounds.

Seated Leg Curl - I was far more successful on this although again, limited mobility sometimes kept me from flexing my legs all the way back. I actually liked this machine quite a bit because while it sort of felt easy, I knew I was still working it.

Row Thingy - This isn’t really an accurate depiction of the machine I was on but it’s close. I was on 80 pounds on this one.

I can’t find anything that looks like the chest thingy. Next time I’m there, I shall look again. One was a pulldown of some sort that’s all I remember. We’re still fine-tuning my new routine; one of the leg workouts I wouldn’t even try because just watching my trainer demonstrate it made my knee throb. The rest of it is very challenging and I’m seriously excited about it:

Assisted Chin-Dip - OK, so this is a former fat girl’s dream come true. I did chin ups. Me. Chin ups. Seriously. OH MY GAWD. Yes, it’s assisted but it was far from easy. And I did it, with relative, surprising ease. I felt my arms shaking and all of that but I couldn’t believe what my body was doing. To be honest, a couple of tears flew down my face when I realized that I was doing it…and doing it well. Nobody notice, I wiped it away and fobbed it off as sweat but it was pure tears of joy.

The rest I will have to look for next time I’m there. I have a new wicked brutal thigh/glut/ab machine that has me seated with my legs spread in a V and I open as wide as possible (yeah, I know, just hold back the jokes). The other is a strange contraption that has me standing and reaching out to these pulleys but I can’t find that machine yet either. I’ll get there.

I’m getting there. I really am.

If you’re in the Seattle area and are interested in giving the X Gym a try, please contact me. I have a couple of coupons that will give you four (FOUR!) free training sessions. This is a huge value and there’s no obligation. Even if you decide not to join (but you should!), you’re going to get enough education to do it on your own if you have the means. But only if you’re serious - I only have a couple of these coupons so if you’re not going to even commit to 4 sessions, don’t ask for one. But I highly encourage you to give it a try - it’s only 20 minutes, you don’t leave there coated in sweat and feeling nasty, and you see results…soon.

Things are going well in the rest of my world. I haven’t written about it because I don’t want to jinx things. But it looks like the three week prediction was a little premature…there may be a reprieve of sorts. The treatments continue and are getting more tolerable and less painful though I don’t like my arm resembling a junkie. Work continues to be a painfully difficult challenge but dammit I am not giving up. I’ve made some friends and am making a concerted effort to get out more, even if it’s just walking. I’m getting a little more rest - most nights it’s up to 5 hours now.

I’m gaining weight, to my dismay. My guess is that it’s a combination of premenstrual and the IV solutions that are administered with the various medications. No it isn’t muscle, I can tell the difference. But speaking of muscle, I’ve worn sleeveless shirts twice in a week now. Which is exciting.

There are continuing challenges and worries but I’m trying not to dwell on them. There are a few good things happening and I’d like to just look at those for a while and appreciate them.

I did make one recent desperately-needed purchase and I love them. My workout shoes were so old and worn out that there were no treads left on them whatsoever. When I sat on the ab ball or the pill ball, I had to brace my feet against the wall because just planting my feet on the ground would make me slide to the floor. I finally realized that I bought those shoes about 3 months after my WLS which is probably why they are threadbare. While I was certainly keeping budget in mind, there was no way I was going to skimp or get cheap crappy things - I’m taking this training seriously and even run/jog/walk a little and plan to step that up a bit and my feet need the right support.

I think I tried on 9 different pairs with prices ranging from $39.99 to $175. I deliberately didn’t look at price but focused on fit and comfort. To my delight, the ones I selected were very reasonably priced and the brand I wanted (Nike - gotta support our Pacific Northwest businesses). I’m not thrilled with the color but they are lightweight, comfortable, and well - I’m very happy with them.

Once upon a time in San Antonio, Texas, a girl and a boy met online. They chatted and emailed for a while and then decided they wanted to meet each other. Since the boy worked part time at Electronics Boutique in the mall, they decided to meet up at the Starbucks connected to a Barnes & Noble since they were both avid book lovers, and it was close to his job.

The girl was very nervous and went so far as to leave early and go shopping for an outfit to wear. She picked out some dark green stirrup pants and a green plaid flannel-ish shirt, hoping it would give the impression of being coordinated and well dressed, but not going into overkill for coffee and bookstore browsing.

She took a seat at one of the tables and waited for the boy to show up. He walked in wearing a yellow polo style shirt with the store logo on it and a pair of dark pants. Her heart skipped a beat and she nervously greeted him. He ordered a hot chocolate and they decided to sit outside and talk. The conversation flowed easily and they discovered they had a common love for several comedians, as well as other shared interests.

They eventually decided it was time to wander the bookstore and went inside. To their dismay, they discovered that the store closed early because it was Thanksgiving Eve. So the girl invited the boy over to her apartment to watch some of the stand up comedian specials she had on tape.

They started with Denis Leary’s “Lock and Load” which had just premiered a few days before and laughed themselves stupid. The girl then brought out her favorite tape and showed it to him. On the tape was a few specials by George Carlin.

Before they popped the tape in, the girl sat down at her computer to show the boy something. He stood behind her chair while she looked for whatever it was she wanted to show him. After she found it, she twisted her neck and looked back and up at him with a smile.

He bent down and kissed her, making her heart flutter in her chest.

After a couple more smooches, they settled back down on the futon and began to watch the tape. Hours of howling laughter at Mr. Carlin as they grew even more comfortable with each other. Not to mention the kissing, which was all kinds of good. The whole evening was good. In fact, as far as first dates go, it remains hard to top, even 10 or so years later.

The boy and the girl went through a few cycles of dating & breaking off and finally wound up getting married…almost exactly 8 years ago. They went through many changes together, some good and some not so good. But one thing remained a constant in their life together - their love of comedy.

More specifically, their love of George Carlin.

And while they divorced a few years ago, the girl still cannot watch or listen to George Carlin without thinking of that wonderful first date and the many nights of laughter George gave her and her husband in the years that followed.

Thank you, George. Thank you for teaching me words I never knew existed. Thank you for making me laugh until I made some of the most unladylike sounds possible. Thank you for the hours of enjoyment you gave me…and my husband…and so many others. You will be greatly missed.

And thank you, ex-husband, for sharing that love with me.

So I’ve finished my first round of training. This means I’m done with this particular set/routine and starting with my next visit, will be on a new regime. I’ve been asked a couple of times now by a couple of different trainers if there are any areas upon which I want to focus, things I want to work on, etc. It’s been difficult to find the right/appropriate/politically correct responses here.

These are the replies I’ve given so far:

• I’d like to continue firming up my abs.
• Is there a way to even slightly tighten my belly skin?
  
• One thing that frustrates me is that I don’t have much definition in my waist, I’d really love to see some indications of a curve.
  
• Focusing on my core would be good, although I do want to continue building some strength in my arms.
• I trust you, what do you think is best?
  
• I would like to continue working on a wider range of flexibility and motion.
• I think I’d like to try to get more definition in my upper legs and gluts.
  
• I’m really open to suggestion; I am starting to feel more confident in how I look.

Now, allow me to translate these statements for you:

• I want this flabby little pudge thing under my chest and above my navel to stop looking like a third breast when I bend over.
• I want to stop buying control tops to smooth down the donespill.
• I’m sick of looking like a 2 x 4.
• I love having enough strength in my arms that should the opportunity arise, I can easily lift myself up if I’m…poised horizontally….over you someone that guy over there.
  
• For the first time in my life, I can easily maneuver my knees to my ears. Now I want to get my ankles back there too. God willing, it’s a skill that may come in handy someday.
  
• You know that really tall brunette with the green eyes who was in here the other night and made these little grunting noises when he was lifting what appeared to be a billion pounds with no effort at all? I don’t give a shit what you make me do so long as it makes him want to club me over the head, drag me home by my hair, and throw me all over the place like that while making those grunting noises.
  
• I want my ass to stop looking like elephant ears - fix it. Please? Or at least firm it up enough so that should anybody ever want to grab it again, they don’t think they just shoved their hands in silly putty.
  
• You pick the routine and I’ll do it so long as you give me advance warning when I’ll have my Crush Trainer so that I can at least slap on some concealer, waterproof mascara, and put on my ass-lifting shorts.
• I will do whatever the hell you tell me to do if it renders some ridiculously yummy guy so stupidly in lust with me that he showers me with flowers, compliments, gifts, and attention.
  
• Seriously, just turn me into a walking Pheromone, like The Gilroy - it worked for Linus, and he didn’t even have to balance his sagging ass on an inflatable beach balland do sit ups while twist his hips and keep his elbows out and shoulders down.
  

So this decision has been brewing for quite a while in my mind. It really began to run around my head when Anon began leaving cryptic and not-so-cryptic nasty comments that my filters didn’t always catch. It continued to grow and an interaction a couple of weeks ago with someone who decided to put some snark down on me using a variety of methods including guilt, throwing older events in my face, and one particular comment specifically really made me think. That comment said something to the effect of “I would have emailed this to you but you said you don’t always get to your email and I thought others might feel the same but not want to speak up” or something like that. So in other words, that particular commentator wanted to stir up some shit and see if she could get people to back her up. Which really annoyed me.

Then there were the comments from today, some of which were filtered and you didn’t even have to see, and at least one that was not.

And it got me thinking. Why do I have Comments enabled anyway? My email address is on my About page so if you really do want to tell me something, you can. I originally envisioned the Comments section as a way to generate discussion not just with me but amongst yourselves and that never really seemed to happen. So why do it? Why keep it up there?

Also a couple of weeks ago, someone posted that since I wrote about it, I was inviting feedback, postive and negatve. OK, but see, I’m really not. I’m very glad to have the volume of readership that I do, truly. I am flattered that you find my words interesting and sometimes helpful. And well, if reading about the less happy times in my life make you feel superior or triumphant for some reason, well…there you go.

But honestly, I just don’t see the value add of keeping the Comment feature enabled. Compliments and encouragement are great and wonderful and appreciated. And some of the less charitable comments have also made me think long and hard, don’t get me wrong. But people who leave stuff just to see if they can rally the troops to come down on me? Lame. Others who leave the briefest of notes so they can get a link on my site? Silly. People who want to leave nastiness for everyone else to see? Nah. Not here. Not any longer.

From now on, if you want to tell me something, good or bad, you can send me an email. From time to time, I’ll post “best of feedback” if the volume is there (please remember that anything you send to me becomes my property and you have no copyright protection which means I can repost) and I find things that are interesting, thought-provoking, or respectfully disagreeing or critical.

Otherwise, you can start your own blog and bitch about me on there :)